Phelps Phucked Up

"I engaged in behaviour which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment," Phelps said in a statement. "For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again."

God, Phelps, you make me sick. Here's what you should have said:

"HEY! DUMBASSES!

I JUST WON 8 DAMN OLYMPIC MEDALS!

SMOKING POT HASN'T HURT ME ONE BIT!

WHY THE HELL IS EVERYONE SO BENT OUT OF SHAPE ABOUT IT?

I'M NOT THE LEAST BIT SORRY!

LATER TONIGHT I PLAN ON GETTING GOOD AND WASTED TO GET OVER THIS CRAP!

SO BLOW ME!"